crush...

i have the biggest crush on someone, A, a guy from work. He is not that good looking but i find him very nice to talk to...yesterday i called him to ask about work and when he answered my call, he just said "hello darling"...i paused for a while...is this what people describe as "my heart skipped a beat"...i really dont know may be it is...well, excuse my ignorance but i have never said this to anyone and have only heard someone said this to me once...so it is understandable right...lol...as for the guy who said this phrase to me...well that will be another story for another time...lol...

me, rain, car and umbrella...

today, i was walking to my car for lunch...it started raining...it has been more than a month since it rained here...it was not very heavy but i was glad i could feel the raindrops on me, i stood there a 30 seconds or so, only then i realize my turqoise saree is actually getting wet...then i walked to my car, drove to the cafe where i usually take my lunch...took out my umbrella, got down from my car and tried opening my umbrella...guess wht happened...the umbrella actually 'terbalik'...it was still raining, i just laughed and continued walking in the rain and enjoyed it of course...i guess this is just God's way of telling me that I should enjoy the raindrops a while longer and that i m really lousy with opening umbrella as i am coming out of my car...

a walk in the clouds...

last saturday, my friend and i decided to go to taiping...something we planned for last chinese new year holiday...to go to taiping to see tulips...somehow it didnt materialize until last saturday...we reached maxwell hill around noon...it was so misty...it felt like i was walking in the clouds...such a wonderful feeling...then we walked up to the place where they have the tulips...it was so beautiful and has a very pleasent, lingering smell...i have never seen tulips in my life and always wanted to go to amsterdam to see them...meanwhile i thought of getting a glimpse of them in Taiping... we were really so excited and took so many photos of the tulips...definately more than the our photos...after maxwell hill, we went to the taiping zoo...i was kind of fun...we saw mr. and mrs. melman (giraffes), lions, elephants, zebras and all...it was nice...i am so happy we went for this trip, my friend and I had a pleasent day and enjoyed ourselves very much...

i cant help falling in love...

i have always loved this song...of course the one that elvis sang and also the one that UB40 sang...i always say that if a guy sings this song for me, i will marry him...well anyway, yesterday my friend called and guess what he sang the song to me...oh ya, i didnt fall flat for this guy...but i think this is one of the 'sweetest' thing anyone has done for me...thanks, for making me smile and making my day, week or may be even month...

allowing people in your lives...

i am writting this to my friend...i dont know if he will ever read this but i just have to say it. i dont know what exactly you are going through but from what you said i understand that your life is complicated... and you said anyone who wants to be with you must understand you fully otherwise she wont be able to be part of it. i agree with all that but the only way she will be able to understand you, is if you allow her into your life...i understand that at this moment you are not ready for that yet...but someday when you are, please open your life to others...you might not know how you might change others lives or vice versa. i understand that allowing people in our lives is hard and scary coz we dont know if he/she is going to brighten up our lives or break our hearts...but we will never know until we try... i guess i am not only saying this to you but also reminding myself about it while i am writting this...this is not an advice just two cents worth of my thoughts...

my email guy and his 1.45am call...

what can i say about him... i have no idea except that i like him and i understand the fact that he wants to go away from my life... of course i miss him but i know i have to move on...and guest what? i try...i really do...but everytime i sort of succeed in moving on, he comes again usually with one of the sweetest smses... for sometime he has been a puzzle in my life... why does he do this, if he wants to stop talking, why even bother sending me msgs every now and then...

then yesterday (or i should say this morning), he surprised me with a call at 1.45 am. we talked about many things and finally i asked him a long overdued question, why did he decide to stop talking to me...he didnt deny that, or give excuses for that but just told me could not honestly answer the question to me... i know he didnt give me an answer but somehow i felt better after that...at least i know it was not me. i always wondered if it was something i said or did that made him decide that...i donno how i will move on but like what my friend said this morning "dont worry we will manage to go through this too..."

wishes...

There is a fire burning inside us all the time. The conventional fire we burn will eventually die. The fire in you which bonds past, present and future will never die... (Ponggal 09)

There has been voyages around the world,vogayes to the depth of the ocean. Brace yourself for the voyage of your life. I have prepared your vessel, stocked it up with love to last you throughout 2009 and beyond, as you embark on this voyage, be brave as i will always look into the maintenace of your vessel. it is not a new year celebration but a celebration of life (1/1/09)

From the stillness of the universe looking down upon our home, wave upon wave of tropical clouds bringing lots of rain, cooling the hot city and lush dense jungles enjoy a warm late night shower. come out and play, i will seek you out from the droplets of water from the heavens.

An actor would want to choose the most difficult roles but in life we shy away from the mere challenges that is thrown at us in this vast stage of life, the compassion you have shown me will remain the greatest act of kindness.Thank you...22/11/08

something strange about the night, a certain stillness, a pair of eyes silently on the look out, looks like the devil is out to play...18/11/08

Between the clouds the moon shyly sheds its rays, clouds drift pass the night sky, if you happen to look up at this wonderful sight of the full moon, remember my eyes are also into the sky tonight...11/11/08

Gloom is the night, evil and ignorance its wings, fallen souls take their last breath. When all hope seem lost, a stomp of little feet vanquished all demonic actions. Till today the child's victory is celebrated, with the child in my soul and thoughts I wish you a blessed Deepavali.

addicted to love...

today i was watching oprah...of course another rerun...it was about addiction and the process of quitting smoking...suddenly it dawned to me...what i have is also another form of addiction...just that i m addicted to love...and when i say love, i dont mean sex...there is this constant need to get attention, a need to be needed, to be remembered, to be appreciated and this craving sometimes makes me upset...so today i decided like everyone else fighting their addiction, i shall also fight this...one of the important thing that everyone said is that, take one day at a time...guess i will get through this to...

people i have met...

sometimes we meet some people in our lives and we wonder why do we have to meet them...usually because this person would have affected our lives one way or another...i met a person like that early this year...this friendship/relationship (or whatever ship it is/was) didnt last that long...sort of ended in 6 months...but somehow this person has made a big impact in my life...and the funny thing is for once i know exactly why i had to meet him and his purpose in my life...

a child...

i was talking to a friend of mine recently...as usual we were talking about many things from politics to terrorism to everything under the sky. in the midst of the conversation she started talking about her nephew, a six year old boy. I have seen him, he is chubby and cute, well at least that is what i thought...then she told me what happened recently...this boy who is six years old was actually telling his mom that he wants to reduce eating rice so that he can fit into his favorite pants... i was really shocked to hear that...i thought we hear things like this from teenagers or adults but i never expected to hear this from a child...that got me thinking...i know the world is at the moment crazy about being thin, at least the world i live in...has it gone to the stage that it is affecting a child now??? where does this child get this idea, i can only think of a few things...his family, tv, friends...to me this is scary. i already think that the craze to be thin is bad. i understand that many people try to be thin for health reason which is ok but many even those who are thin fantasize about being almost 'anorexic', this is what i think is bad or dangerous...

13 yrs of my life...

i went to a 21st birthday party today...that got me thinking about how mine was...well there was no fireworks or even a party but i know i was in India with my whole family...meaning every single family member was under one roof...something which does not happen very often in my life...it was 8 days before my brother's wedding...

what was i thinking at the time? how i was at the time? well definately more hopeful thinking that my whole life was ahead of me...having all the normal dreams about love, family, work, education everything...

now 13 years after that...am just thinking am i the same person that i was then...well some things remained the same...i m still the dreamer i was at 21, or may 16 for that matter...what else happened in this 13 years...hmmm...many things some good and some not so good...well in random order...got my first car, got my phd, found a few wonderful friends, started working, maintained a wonderful relationship for 10 yrs before it ended, visited white hart lane, walked along thames river, seen the first olympic stadium, stood in the same place as gladiators. the only thing missing in my list is getting married and having children...things which people often remind me as my biggest failure...may be it is...but i am glad i have had this 13 years...Thank you God...

Interesting people...

Today I thought of writting about all the interesting people I have meet/seen... Well, most recently I had the opportunity to listen to former Indian President of India, Abdul Kalam. I thought that was cool coz I have heard so much about him and read his books and speeches, so a chance of seeing him in person and listening to his speeches was very exciting for me.

Last year I had the opportunity to listen to a speech by Mohammad Yunos, the noble peace prize winner...that was also awesome, coz hello it is not like i meet a noble prize winner everyday...and as he was delivering his speech i could imagine how many lives he must have touched with his idea about Grameen Bank.

an sms...

i like this sms which my friend sent sometime ago, so i decided to post it here... i hope he does not mind that i m posting it here...

Where does the breeze that cools and moves our soul come from?
Is it from a far away place or somewhere beyond the hills?
Can we make the soothing sensation last?
It hits us wave upon wave and is the first wave any different from the second?
Could there be a quest to find the origin of this heavenly breeze?
What would we find?
The breath of God?

...

good morning smses...

I have a friend who sends me some of the most wonderful 'good morning smses' that i decided to type it out and put it on my blog today...

Another day in our lives, like a leaf in the ocean we await what adventures are in store...Good morning...

The sun is shining bright, may it shed light to the far corners of your heart and soul...good morning...

Hustle and bustle of the day slowly picking up, another day of our lives, another day with you on my mind...good morning and have a blessed day...

Wake up to a bright sunny day, open your arms and feel the sun's energy radiate and sweep through all your soul...good morning...

Morning greetings to you...the dew drops has evaporated, the morning mist has cleared, its going to be a bring and sunny day...

Good morning..wake up to the sounds of chirping birds, touch the morning dew and get kissed by the morning sun...

crescent moon to half moon...

as i landed in Kuching, i looked up and i saw the crescent moon...i have always been in love with full moon but somehow at the time, the crescent moon looked just as amazing...then i remembered what my mom told me before i left, the crescent moon in the month of Aadi, is something to see...i guess she is right (like in most things)...the first three days i was busy at the conference, didnt have much time to do any sightseeing or look at the moon...then on friday i went to the cultural village of sarawak, the sight of mount santubong and the sea was more amazing than what i saw at the village. anyway, the melanau tall house did impress me though...in the evening i went shopping and bought some souvenirs for myself and my friends...

saturday...well that was something...i went to the Baku national park...it was amazing...we went jungle trekking for about 90 minutes (the truth is it was more like hiking) then we were at this cliff overlooking the sea...the sight was amazing... i would have walked a whole day to see that...so i guess the 90 minutes hike was really worth it (this is a big deal for a couch potato, i have to say). i could have spent hours just looking at the sea...it was beautiful...really really beautiful...the sun, breeze, sea, rock formation...everything that made me fall in love with sarawak...

there was a major power cut in kuching on saturday night...i was watching tv when this happened, so i decided to go out and sit my the river, just looking at the lights from the villages on the other side of the river...as i looked up...i saw the 'half moon'...my last evening in kuching...by the river with the moon and thousands of stars...need i say more...

the july that has been...

what can i say...this month has been a very tough month...so i guess it i appropriate that i m writting this post today, towards the end of the month...with the hope that august will be better for me...i often pride myself in being willing to try...i have tried many things...failed in many things...but i often dont give up easily, i can try very hard but that does not mean i take everything that comes my way easily. i often take things very hard on myself and really hate when things dont go as i plan...living this life and living on this planet, i cannot believe how i survived 34 years being a person like me...not sure if my ways are right or wrong somehow i survived so far...for the past four weeks, everything that i cant control has been against me...it feels like the WORLD is really going against me...what is the lesson that i am suppose to learn from this...is God teaching me to give up and let go and take things as they come...will i ever be able to do that...

older and not so wise...

people say that you get wiser as you grow old. i dont know about that. the more i think about this, the more puzzled i get...but recently i learnt this very important lesson...people can say all sorts of things...words which seem so sweet and nice but they might not even mean one per cent of it...that is how cheap words are actually...this lesson has come by my life many many times but somehow i guess i refused to accept it...for a person who falls in love with words so easily, this is a hard lesson to learn...a really hard lesson to learn...finally i did. now i am looking at people around me, who dont say that many nice things or make all sorts of promises but who do things for me, i try to look at people's action rather than what they say...i guess just like how some people can be blinded by looks, i can be blinded by words...one of my biggest flaw, i guess...i have learnt my lesson...thanks to the person who finally managed to make me understand...

the place i called home...

I stayed in a house for 25 yrs of my life before moving to the house I am staying right now...can you imagine, quarter century in one house...imagine how attached i would be to that house...today as i was driving pass the old place i realize that it has been transformed into an inn...my old house, an inn...interesting...as i was driving i was thinking who would want to come and stay in this inn...it is a small town, with nothing much to offer for tourist or visitor, it is a wonderful place to stay actually...anyway, the next thought was...i might be the only one who might want to stay there...just to sleep in my old room again and spend another night in a place i call my HOME...

i know why...

i have spent major part of my life trying to figure out why certain events happen in my life...mostly the ones i dont like or unexpected...sometimes i ask God why do u make me go through all these things and make me suffer...many times i have not found answers...but somehow recently God is giving me answers almost immediately...for example, some time back, my friend was talking about this girl who is getting married but giving herself six months to try it out. if it does not work out, she wants to walk out of it...when i first heard, i was very judgmental...how can anyone think like this...then later some events related to arranged marriage happened in my life...i could not believe myself coz i actually told my friend "since everyone wants me to get married, may be i should marry someone stay for 3 months and walk out of it..."..he he he...i realise this arrange marriage thing happened to teach me a lesson about not judging people too fast...everyone has a reason to do things, we might understand them or might never understand them...but may be that is the only choice they see at that particular time in their life...another lesson learnt...

a good cry...

i feel like i need a good cry...i really do...i m so frustrated today after hearing about some rules and regulation...why must things be so hard for me....why must everything be so hard for me...what did i that is so wrong...it really sounds like i m wallowing in self pity but i really dont know what to do or say...