mathematics

today as i was showing a friend about analysing data and so on...i somehow realise how much i missed being a student of mathematics...those days were really fun... i donno y but in the univesity where i did my first degree people usually thought maths majors are brainy or nerds...and people are always amazed about someone majoring in mathematics...the truth is there is nothing so great or 'brainy' it...it is a wonderful field just like any other fields of this study...has some very interesting courses and some very very boring ones...and of course to make things worse some very boring lecturer...but other than that is it quite fun...many many people think that mathematics is just about arithmetics...plus, minus, multiply...but the truth is there is more to that...we used to have fun learning logic using sherlock holmes mysteries...and sometimes even alice in wonderland...i was really really amazed when we learned about the beauty of mathematics and to see mathematical concept used in daily lives...like 'kolam' and the concept of symetry...the concept of golden ratio and how much it is found in this world...there is one more that i really liked...when we studying the history of mathematics...all of us did a play or puppet show about famous mathematician etc...that was really fun...now i am in a different field but somehow my love for mathematics is still there...may be some day i might go back to that...next semester i will be teaching statistics to undergraduate students...i wonder where that will take me...anyway one of our silliest quote being the class of 97 was: " love does not know mathematics..."

me and my thesis...

these days whenever people see me the only thing everyone has to ask me is about my work...how is your thesis, how is your progress, when will you finish, how did you measure variables, how did u analyse ur data, how big ur sample etc...and i notice that after they have asked all this, they run out of question to ask me...and as for me after answering these routine questions i havent got a clue what i want to know about this person who is asking me all this...so i just keep quiet...sometimes i wonder if i am just my work or just my thesis...isnt there anything more about me than my work...am i not a person who have more to offer, more to share or talk about then my work...i recall this one incident...i once followed a friend to a gathering of a group, followers of a particular guru or saint...my friend is an active member of this organisation, so as soon as she reached the place she was talking to everyone...i am never good at mingling around and getting to know people, so i was standing alone,enjoying my drink and very happy with my thoughts and smiling away...many people there walked pass me as though i was invisible...but somehow all this did not bother me...then after like half an hour my friend brought two other members of this organisation and introduced me to them...and she mentioned that i am doing my phd and etc...and the funny thing is after that, people started coming to me and introducing themselves, telling me about their family and their children and started 'interviewing' about how i came so far or how good was i at school (to compare with their children of course). after that introduction to the two people more than 10 people came and introduced themselves to me and saying that "i heard you are doing ur phd"...hello...world...i m the same person standing at the same spot before and after they knew i am doing my phd. sometimes i really dont understand the world...i mean whats the big deal about doing phd...whether i m doing phd or not i m still a person who needs to be respected and appreciated just the same...somehow the fact that i was 'invisible' before did not bother me as much as when people wanted to know me coz i am doing phd...how old (most of them were more than 15 years older than me) do u need to be before you realise that people are people, people are not their phd or masters or whatever...there is more to a person than the title or the degree he/she carries...and i wonder why people dont see that...i really wonder...

green green grass

someone told me today that he wished that he was me..coz i have so much free time and have all the fun being lazy...not having any particular schedule for the day...watching champions league and getting up late...i told him that is the luxury in my life...everyone one needs some form of luxury...some of them have all the money in the world...some of them like me have all the time in the world...of course the perfect combination would be to have all the time in the world plus all the money in the world...but hey...who's life is perfect...to some extent i know that there are many many people who want to be me ;) at least that is what they tell me...but then again once they are in my shoes...they will start wondering...why am i here...what is so fun about this...and that is the 'law' of life...the grass in always always greener on the other side....

airport...

this morning i went to the airport to pick up my friend's parents... sometimes i like to go to airport...there is something different about how people are in airports...somehow people seem to be more appreciated at airports...may be this is just from my lens of the world...somehow may be the thought that people are leaving and that for some you might not see them again...makes people act differently...somehow i just wish that life, relationship, friendship etc are just as meaningful in everyday life as i see in the airport...

leaving behind...

they say that one should always live in the present...forget the future because it is an illusion and forget the past because it is history...but somehow I know i fail miserably in this...this weekend somehow I was very disturbed about how people treated me...friends who I once considered very important in my life...i cannot understand how people can change so fast and how much people forget about their past...but then again may be it is not them...may be is it just me who holds on to the past too much and does not want to move on...sometimes i forget that as i go on with life there are many many more wonderful people that i meet along the way...even though friends that i once thought very important do not consider me that important...or even my friends today might forget about me tomorrow but i guess i will always meet many many more nice people along the way...i sure hope i do...anyway, i have decided to leave behind all these thoughts and hopefully i can...

puzzle of fonts..

yesterday i was trying to write blog in tamil somehow after some major trial and error (like all good lessons in life)managed to type something in tamil and posted it...much to my felt really good about myself after achieving that....i know know that the rest of the world has gone far and exploring the universe and here i m feeling so happy coz i could post something in tamil...he he he...well little things make me happy... anyway, today when i opened i only saw some garbage...cant read what i wrote...i really wonder what i did differently today...donnolah...i thought only printers have a mind of their own...but today i realise even fonts....anyway...i shall conquer this too..he he he...and of course by trial and errorlah...

tears falling...

they say tears are precious, dont let it fall of uncessary things...well i used to believe so much on that but these days i just cant help it. everytime i look at the report i just cant stop myself from crying. i dont remembering anyother experience that is as shattering as this in my life...and i hate it so much coz i dont know how to get out of this...i dont think i have ever wished for anything as hard as this...god please let it be over soon...before i loose myself and i will never be found ever again...

puzzle of life...

people often ask me what is it about jigsaw puzzles...why do i like doing jigsaw puzzle so much...many cant understand how can i sit and spend hours looking at this one picture for hours and hours...some say i am very patient but then when i think again i dont really think i m patient...so what about this jigsaw puzzle??? well, i taught me about life...sometimes u have to forget the details and look at the whole picture and other times u just have to forget the whole picture and look at the most minute details...at times i look so hard at one little piece without thinking where it fits in the big picture and until the time i stop doing that i can never figure out where to place that particular piece....and at times i keep staring at the big picture and i forget all the minute details there are in each section of the picture and i will not be able to identify the piece with all those details...well, life's like that too...at times u need to look at details...at times...u need to look at the big picture...but the tricky question is how do i know when to this or that...may life will give me an answer to that...

almost wishing

they say that sometimes one decision can change the course of ur life...i have never really believed in that but somehow this few years has really made me realise how true that really is...i made a decision to pursue something five years ago...and every since then the only thing i wish every new year (including all the new year that i celebrate...from 1st of january to 14 of april etc.) is to finish that but somehow until today it is still unfinished...sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me...y is this so difficult...sometimes i almost wish tht life has a rewinder button just like video player or something...

when i look back at this five years...i cant believe how much this decision has changed my life and me in person...i have transformed from a very cheerful person with lots and lots of friends to a lone ranger who have very selective friends...i used to be so hopeful and full of dreams with the spirit enough to conquer the world...now no matter what i think, i always think the negative aspect of it...wht is wrong with me...wht has happen to me...sometimes i wish i was my old self back...but then again i donno if i can ever be that person again...

when i first decided to pursue this, i thought this is what i wanted...this is going to make my life better etc...but now i wonder is this all worth it...is it worth spending so many years of my life in pursue of something after i have sacrificed so much of my life in the process of doing it...well i seriously have no answer...today is another new year again...as usual i have still wishing and hoping that this will over in this year...but then again only time can tell...