2009 that has been...

Two more weeks, before 2009 says goodbye. What can I say about 2009? Well, it has been one of the most exciting year in my life. The good thing is even though it has some sad moments, it alos had many good moments. I am glad about many things that happen. My only regret is that a friend of mine, a very good friend of mine has moved away from me. Even though he promised that things will not change, I know for a fact that it will and we will drift apart. I know I cant stop him, but that is just how life flows...it has its own course...

part of me...

part of me is crying today...why? because someone i am very close to is moving away. he is going far away and there is nothing i can do to stop him. i have a lousy record in terms of stopping people anyway. i guess the impact i had in his life is not as great as what he had in mine, therefore it is easier for him to go...the question is, what do i do next?

option A or B

The tribe members went out yesterday (me, J and A). Me wanted to buy furniture and curtain, J was just accompanying me and A wanted to buy gift for her boss to mark her one year anniversary working under him...sigh... (we did tell her such category of anniversary does not exist). Anyway, we spent more time buying a blouse for herself than finding the gift for her boss. anyway as we were walking and talking she asked us a question. Between

Option A: being with someone whom you dont want to be with
and
Option B: liking someone who you cant have

which would you rather have?

J and I immediately answered option B, without even having to think about it. Then we said, option B is something we have done, survived and might do again but option A will be worst...funny isnt it...our priorities is so clear, we want to be with someone we love and if we cant have that, just loving that person is enough, we don't need anything more than that and the most important thing is that we will not settle for anything less.

my many battles in life...

I wont say that I have the most colorful life on the planet but as a person living on this earth, I have had many battles in my life. It is not easy going through all these battles but I have gone through them one at a time. But sometimes or may be many times I have really wished that life was easier for me. Am I asking for too much? I really wish I know. Sometimes I wonder if I am really bad at doing things always becomes complicated for me...Am I that incapable of handling life?

suyamvaram...

i have been thinking about this for sometime but somehow didnt write it down. i should do it today i guess. i never liked the process of 'ponnu parkiran' that happens in Indian societies in Malaysia. Basically, the guy and the family will come to the girl's house and the girl who is all dressed up with saree, flowers, jewellery, will come out and serve drinks. She might stand there for a while or answer some questions by the family. Sometimes, they let the guy and the girl talk. Sometimes they dont. I feel this whole process is degrading to women. This is of course my personal view and many people do not agree to this and are perfectly ok with this process. When I argue with my parents and explain why I do not like this process, they say this is our tradition and question why I am so against it. So this made me think, which part of this is our tradition. From whatever little I know, I dont think this is how match making were done in the good old days. The process of suyamvaram was very different than this, at least from what I read in the literature.

I am not expert but i have read about suyamvaram in many historical novels and poetry. well basically suyamvaram is a process which a princess chooses her groom. all the princes will come to the palace and usually they are expected to perform certain tasks and the princess will choose from the best. For example, in Ramayana, Rama had to break the bow before Rama and Sita got married. If you are wondering why I am writting all this, well this got me thinking, so based on literature that I have read, it seems like the princess has the right to choose her groom. Not only that, she does not stand all dressed up in the middle of a group of strangers to be looked at as a 'product'. Then I was thinking if only princesses had this right. How about lay people, do other women also have such rights. I have talked to my mom and my aunts regarding the process of arranged marriage which they went through. According to them, (and of course this is how it was done in my village around 40 or 50 years ago)most of the time the bride and the groom are not involved, it is the family who decides who marries who. Most of the time, they might not see each other until they get married or might have seen each other outside, since they might come from the same village.well in this tradition, there is no 'right to choose' but then again at least it has equality...between right to choose and equality, I choose 'the right to choose' equality...

So this again brings me to the same question, which part of tradition is ponnu parkiran coming from??? I rest my case...

AA

AA well this is not an entry about Alcohol Anonymous, this is about a person who walked into my life recently...of course like all other guys in my life, he left but I thought I have to write about him...What makes him so different from anyone else that walked into my life, well, being with him made me break my rules which I held in my life, being with him made me realize how vulnerable I was. I am still not sure whether this 'breakaway' is because I am vulnerable or because I am just ready to do how I feel and not live by the rules which are guided by the 'so-called' society. Am I just trying to make me feel better or justify what I did??? I really dont know but the funny thing is... I dont feel guilty about it...I wonder why???

my many firsts...

well, this year has given me many firsts... here are some of it...for the first time in my life i went to the southern hemisphere, first time i went to the african continent, first trip to the americas,first time i went to a synagogue and a Mormon temple and of course...first time i had a fling...

atul...

what can i say about him...i dont know. he is someone i have never met. someone i have spoke to for less than 10 times in 12 years...used to chat with him very often but nowadays we manage to chat may be only once in a few months...then you may ask, why this entry...well my close friends would understand why I had to write about him. anyway what about him...i have been chatting with him for like 12 years...he talks like a poet and since i am a 'sucker' for words...you can easily imagine how much i enjoy talking to him...everytime we chat or he writes to me or even when we talk on the phone everything he says sounds like lines from a poem...i cant even remember how he looks like eventhough i have seen his picture but i can definately remember what he said when i asked him how old he is 12 years ago...

"i have seen 28 springs in my life without meeting you"...shall i say more...

25 minutes too late...

I was talking my friend, J, yesterday. She told me she met a guy and she felt that she is 2 years too late coz he is so sweet and nice but he got married two years ago...this reminded me of Micheal Learns to Rock song, 25 minutes too late...hmmmmm.... so i told her, "it does not matter dear, 25 minutes, 2 years, 19 years, the bottom line is "we are too late"... and that it the key phrase...lol...

shrinking 'S' or expanding ME...

I went shopping last weekend...I tried a few blouses (size 'S) and i realize that they were too small for too tight for me...sigh...I know I dont have a super model figure hence that is why the blouses dont fit but at the same time I was thinking I have many many blouses at home which are size 'S' and still fits...some which I bought more than ten years ago. I know I have put one weight these few years but somehow, many of my blouses and even saree blouses still fit...may be this entry is just part of being in denial but anyway my theory is that... the size 'S' has shrunk... :)

what is this feeling...

sincerely, i have no idea what i am going through these days...may be it is a phase or may be it is my long lost adolescence...coz i feel like i am 17 again...i am having this big crush on someone, enjoying whatever attention i am getting...after a very long time, i am feeling this way...or sometimes i wonder have i ever felt this way before...everything seems like a puzzle to me... like what i told my friend i have lived 34 yrs of my life being clueless...guess this is going to continue...

sexy and cute...

this is related to the post which I made a few days ago about having a crush on someone. well, nothing much to say just that he texted me to say that i looked cute and sexy...hehehe...so i just thought i had to write this down...

roses and valentine's day...

I dont know what i was thinking when I agree to meet a guy i was chatting with on friday evening...suppose to meet at six but then later we decided to meet at ten. i told him i will meet him at the coffee house in the hotel coz I dont think i am ready to go out with him yet... first i was very cool, then as it got closer to 10 pm...i was really thinking what am i doing...what did i agree to do this...anyway, it was too late coz at 10 sharp he called to say he was there...so i went to meet him, i said hi and he said hi and the next thing i knew, he gave me 3 pink roses...i was really surprised, seriously didnt expect that, has been many years since anyone gave me a rose or a bouquet of roses ( i know it sounds pathetic but that is the truth)...for a good minute or two didnt say much...seriously surprised...then we started talking and i was feeling more comfortable etc, so i thanked him for the roses...it was a pleasent conversation, i didnt dread sitting there and am very glad about it...we talked until past midnight...when we realized that it was already valentine's day, he actually wished me and we continued talking for a while...and he left around 1230... i dont have any regrets meeting him, whether i will meet him again...i really dont know... but no regrets...

crush...

i have the biggest crush on someone, A, a guy from work. He is not that good looking but i find him very nice to talk to...yesterday i called him to ask about work and when he answered my call, he just said "hello darling"...i paused for a while...is this what people describe as "my heart skipped a beat"...i really dont know may be it is...well, excuse my ignorance but i have never said this to anyone and have only heard someone said this to me once...so it is understandable right...lol...as for the guy who said this phrase to me...well that will be another story for another time...lol...

me, rain, car and umbrella...

today, i was walking to my car for lunch...it started raining...it has been more than a month since it rained here...it was not very heavy but i was glad i could feel the raindrops on me, i stood there a 30 seconds or so, only then i realize my turqoise saree is actually getting wet...then i walked to my car, drove to the cafe where i usually take my lunch...took out my umbrella, got down from my car and tried opening my umbrella...guess wht happened...the umbrella actually 'terbalik'...it was still raining, i just laughed and continued walking in the rain and enjoyed it of course...i guess this is just God's way of telling me that I should enjoy the raindrops a while longer and that i m really lousy with opening umbrella as i am coming out of my car...

a walk in the clouds...

last saturday, my friend and i decided to go to taiping...something we planned for last chinese new year holiday...to go to taiping to see tulips...somehow it didnt materialize until last saturday...we reached maxwell hill around noon...it was so misty...it felt like i was walking in the clouds...such a wonderful feeling...then we walked up to the place where they have the tulips...it was so beautiful and has a very pleasent, lingering smell...i have never seen tulips in my life and always wanted to go to amsterdam to see them...meanwhile i thought of getting a glimpse of them in Taiping... we were really so excited and took so many photos of the tulips...definately more than the our photos...after maxwell hill, we went to the taiping zoo...i was kind of fun...we saw mr. and mrs. melman (giraffes), lions, elephants, zebras and all...it was nice...i am so happy we went for this trip, my friend and I had a pleasent day and enjoyed ourselves very much...

i cant help falling in love...

i have always loved this song...of course the one that elvis sang and also the one that UB40 sang...i always say that if a guy sings this song for me, i will marry him...well anyway, yesterday my friend called and guess what he sang the song to me...oh ya, i didnt fall flat for this guy...but i think this is one of the 'sweetest' thing anyone has done for me...thanks, for making me smile and making my day, week or may be even month...

allowing people in your lives...

i am writting this to my friend...i dont know if he will ever read this but i just have to say it. i dont know what exactly you are going through but from what you said i understand that your life is complicated... and you said anyone who wants to be with you must understand you fully otherwise she wont be able to be part of it. i agree with all that but the only way she will be able to understand you, is if you allow her into your life...i understand that at this moment you are not ready for that yet...but someday when you are, please open your life to others...you might not know how you might change others lives or vice versa. i understand that allowing people in our lives is hard and scary coz we dont know if he/she is going to brighten up our lives or break our hearts...but we will never know until we try... i guess i am not only saying this to you but also reminding myself about it while i am writting this...this is not an advice just two cents worth of my thoughts...

my email guy and his 1.45am call...

what can i say about him... i have no idea except that i like him and i understand the fact that he wants to go away from my life... of course i miss him but i know i have to move on...and guest what? i try...i really do...but everytime i sort of succeed in moving on, he comes again usually with one of the sweetest smses... for sometime he has been a puzzle in my life... why does he do this, if he wants to stop talking, why even bother sending me msgs every now and then...

then yesterday (or i should say this morning), he surprised me with a call at 1.45 am. we talked about many things and finally i asked him a long overdued question, why did he decide to stop talking to me...he didnt deny that, or give excuses for that but just told me could not honestly answer the question to me... i know he didnt give me an answer but somehow i felt better after that...at least i know it was not me. i always wondered if it was something i said or did that made him decide that...i donno how i will move on but like what my friend said this morning "dont worry we will manage to go through this too..."

wishes...

There is a fire burning inside us all the time. The conventional fire we burn will eventually die. The fire in you which bonds past, present and future will never die... (Ponggal 09)

There has been voyages around the world,vogayes to the depth of the ocean. Brace yourself for the voyage of your life. I have prepared your vessel, stocked it up with love to last you throughout 2009 and beyond, as you embark on this voyage, be brave as i will always look into the maintenace of your vessel. it is not a new year celebration but a celebration of life (1/1/09)

From the stillness of the universe looking down upon our home, wave upon wave of tropical clouds bringing lots of rain, cooling the hot city and lush dense jungles enjoy a warm late night shower. come out and play, i will seek you out from the droplets of water from the heavens.

An actor would want to choose the most difficult roles but in life we shy away from the mere challenges that is thrown at us in this vast stage of life, the compassion you have shown me will remain the greatest act of kindness.Thank you...22/11/08

something strange about the night, a certain stillness, a pair of eyes silently on the look out, looks like the devil is out to play...18/11/08

Between the clouds the moon shyly sheds its rays, clouds drift pass the night sky, if you happen to look up at this wonderful sight of the full moon, remember my eyes are also into the sky tonight...11/11/08

Gloom is the night, evil and ignorance its wings, fallen souls take their last breath. When all hope seem lost, a stomp of little feet vanquished all demonic actions. Till today the child's victory is celebrated, with the child in my soul and thoughts I wish you a blessed Deepavali.

addicted to love...

today i was watching oprah...of course another rerun...it was about addiction and the process of quitting smoking...suddenly it dawned to me...what i have is also another form of addiction...just that i m addicted to love...and when i say love, i dont mean sex...there is this constant need to get attention, a need to be needed, to be remembered, to be appreciated and this craving sometimes makes me upset...so today i decided like everyone else fighting their addiction, i shall also fight this...one of the important thing that everyone said is that, take one day at a time...guess i will get through this to...