new dateline...

i have been wanting to write so many things these few days but somehow when i sit in front of my pc i just donno what to write. one of the most significant event in my life at this moment is that i have a new dateline...a date where my life might or might not change. lets see what life has to offer for me this time...

pigeon...

i has been quite some time since i posted anything here...today a few pigeons (five to be exact) motivated me to write something...as i was driving from home..basically dragging myself to campus, i saw five pigeons...bathing in a puddle of water...they looked so cute...and they made me smile...God, u never fail to amaze me with all the little things the world offers...hope today will be a great day...

thank you everton...

the best news i got last night was when i heard everton drew with chelsea...chelsea may be one of the best team in the world but guess what...spurs are still holding the record for winning 11 games in a row at the start of a season for like 45 years and we have to wait one more season to see if anyone breaks this record...

i saw a rainbow...i saw a rainbow

the other day, i was in a temple with my parents...after prayers we were about to leave when i looked up n i saw a rainbow...it was so beautiful, everything about it was beautiful, the time, the rainbow and how komtar looked right in the middle of the rainbow...i love rainbows...

thoughts...this morning...

As I was driving this morning, I saw some fascinating things...some made me smile while others made me think...

First of all, I was walking towards my car, I saw a father feeding his daughter...she was so busy playing and running around and the dad followed her and fed her while she was playing...i thought this was very sweet...i donno about the rest of the world but u dont see many father's feeding their child here...or may be I have not not seen this too often...

Then while I was driving, I saw this bird crossing the road and as my car came closer the bird walked faster and started flying...this made me wonder...what do animals see when they see cars... I mean when we cross the road we see a car, a lorry or a vehicle and we react to that...what do animals see??? do they see us like predators or danger or what...I wonder...

walking into one's life...

today i was talking to my friend...we talked about many many things...one of the things about the different people that walk into our lives everyday...we were having a good laugh talking about this...

"some people", my friend said "walk in slowly into our lives, learning little things about us, our lives, our likes, dislikes and eventually becomes part of our lives. Some are so irritating that before they walk in, we slam the door on their face and they never come into our lives at all. there is also a third category...they barge into our lives and create havoc until u either ask them to slow down or throw them out of our lives..."

I thought what my friend said made lots of sense...

having time and wasting it...

yesterday i was listening to my radio while driving...the dj gave some suggestion on how to use one's spare time correctly. he examples such as, if we r waiting for someone in the car, one should use the time well by cleaning the car etc...this way we r not wasting any time...and he was going on and on about how one should waste time just sitting doing nothing in the car etc... i have no problem if anyone wants to use their time well by clearing their car or doing whatever other work they have while waiting...but my question is what is wrong if i just sit there and do nothing or look at people or forget myself listening to favourite song...so what if i spend an hour just doing nothing and dream about everything beautiful that has or will/not happen in my live...what is the craze about saving time and using it wisely...my question is what is the point of saving time if u cant park your car and look at rainbow or leaves falling...then what is the point of l ife or living...

missing...

these few days i have been feeling like i am missing something...there is this feeling of emptiness in me which i cannot relate to anything or anyone...making me feel rather down...last night when i was in bed...i was thinking of this...then it dawned to me that the truth is i just miss being in love...i just miss being important to someone or being needed by someone, i miss the feeling when my tears, laughter, my frustration and my excitement everything meant something to another person...i miss the feeling that i no someone is with me through my journey of life and knows what i am going through...i know it is silly that at the age of 31 i still have this child like fantasies...but i cant help it...and i really miss that...

relationships...

someone asked me today if i have ever been in a relationship, so i asked him again, what difference does it make??? we was quiet for a while, then he said " it doesnt, i guess"...that made me really wonder...as it is i m clueless about relationship...generally i notice people differentiate between relationship and friendship... but are they really different (excluding physical intimacy) are these two really different... i really wonder...

barathi

i must confess i have not read much of barathi's work. i have only read some of his poems...but one thing i notice about his writtings is that he is very much ahead of his time...If I am not mistaken, he died around 80 years ago. he was definately very much ahead of his time...even today people are still not ready to accept some of his ideas...I really wish i can read his biography...but i guess that will have to wait for another day...

relationship...

I have always wondered, why are relationships so difficult...something I have yet to find answers to. However, there are some things about relationships that I have discovered or observed. First of all, relationship comes in all shape and sizes, there is no such thing as defining a relationship. What one considers as relationship might not be a relationship for others and vice versa. Yesterday, as I was watching 'Desperate Housewives' something just hit me...There are two very important variables in a relationship (plus all the other millions of other variables in the relationship). Those variables are the person you are involved with (ie whether that is the right person or not) and of course the quality of a relationship (good relationship or not)...When I say the right person, I am not implying a perfect person or a perfect match (I am too old to think that... :) ), I am just saying a reasonable person who is right for the individual and the same goes for relationship. Perfect relationship do not exists, at least not to me...

Having these two variables are enough to make relationship so complicated...One is lucky if he/she is having a right relationship with the right person, but i donno how often this happens...every other combinations will create problems, tension, etc... I have no idea what I am trying to say or write but somehow it made a lot of sense to me... lol...

top five things...

i have been wanting to write this for a few days now... well the other day while i was driving, my favourite song was played on the radio...the first sound of the song made me really smile and sort of made my day...after that i starting thinking of all the things that make me smile and i wanted to list out the top five things that can make me smile...well, here is the list...in random order...

• rainbow
• strong breeze
• songs...many many songs..
• letters
• and of course...food...my favourite ones of course...

passion...

today i was sitting in my office listening to all my favourite songs only to realise how much I have missed listening to these songs...as i was growing up songs were so much part of my life...not only they were my companion when i was reading or doing homework but in many ways many songs helped me go through my life...either by helping me understand what life is all about (at least that was what i thought at the time) or merely by making me fall in love with how wonderful some people can write or express themselves...i used to be so passionate about songs when i was a teenager...actually i used to be very passionate about many things when i was a teenager...songs, books, language, football, badminton...after many many years i have somehow manage to gain my passion back for football and somehow i feel i have not lost my passion for songs and words...but the others have faded away...i donno y...have i lost interest in them or am i plain lazy to read books or improve my language...i really wonder...

hi again...

it seems ages since i wrote anything in my blog. today i feel so free yet so lost...will it be ok this time round...i know only time can tell...somehow i feel like i have lost the passion for writting at the moment...

the countdown begins...

i have until 30 november 2005...that is my dateline...will my life change by that time. if it does not change i have to figure what to do with my life...will i succeed in doing that ...will i start my long 'on hold' career...what is really going to happen in my life...oh god...please let me know...tik tik tik...

design a website

today, i designed a very simple website to upload all my notes for my statistics class. i am planning to give the students the url and ask them to download their notes from that site. i hope this plan will work without any major problem. i thought this will be easier than distributing the notes to them especially since my class is rather big...but i do feel good about myself after doing this...like i have done something... he he he...

why i hate printing???

i donno what is about me and printing? no matter what there is always something waiting to surprise me while printing my document...first of all no matter how much i check there will always be one table which moves from its position and will be on the wrong place after printing...then comes the mood swings of my printer or whichever printer that i m using...they can really surprise me... :(

lucky charm...

yesterday, i was talking to a good friend of mine, A...talking about how our lives has changed (or not changed) in this last few year etc... she got married and now is pregnant with her first baby...then we were talking about another friend of ours, J also married...i m the only one who is still single and doing my research...then she highlighted that i helped her organize her wedding and also was present at J's wedding. then she said somehow u managed to get all of your friends married...ya true enough...i didnt help them find their husband but i was there for their wedding, helping them with whatever needed to be done...as we were talking she also told me how many other friends of mine who are actually married after they got to know me...she said "somehow u r the lucky charm...anyone who meets you and gets close to you gets married in a year..." i laughed at this idea, then i was telling this to J and even she agreed to A. when i heard this, one part of me agreed to this and felt happy but somehow deep inside me i felt sad...

viva...

yesterday, my friend went for his viva...i almost cried when they announced that he passed. i feel so happy for him...anyone who is not here and going through this process will never understand why this whole research thing takes forever...but we do...we no it so well...that is what makes this success sweeter...may be it is worth waiting for after all...i really hope it is...

only in movies...

today my friend told me that she watched "you've got mail" again...well i told her only in movies...you will be alone and facing difficulties and then comes a wonderful guy, rich, good looking etc and sweep you of ur feet and make all your difficulties go away...then she asked how about real life...well in real life...u end up ALONE...

my life...

sometimes i really wonder what is wrong with my life...at times i feel that i try my best to make the best out of my life and at the same time just go on with what i have but somehow everytime i do, life finds a way to trick me into sorrow...may be i m just plain stupid, i donno why everyone thinks that i m the easiest person to con in this entire universe...i really feel sad being like this...i m not asking for all the riches in the world but somehow i dont think my life should be as bad as this...

everytime anyone needs any help i try to help them and so on...somehow i dont think i m that bad of a person to go through all this...i m not asking to be repaid for whatever good things i have done in life...i just wish that it is not as bad as this...even the thought of all this is making me cry...

henna

When I am in campus, I often eat out. There are of course some restaurants which are my favourites. Mainly because they are happy to prepare vegetarian food for me...the other day when i went to lunch, a waiter came to my table and asked what I would like to have. as he was writting down my order i noticed henna on his fingers. This waiter is from India. As far as I know, Indian men usually only use henna for their wedding (well, sometimes for the wedding of someone very close to them like siblings etc)...I cannot help but to wonder, did this guy just come here to work few months after he got married. I always have a soft spot for people who travel miles to work in a foreign land leaving their families and their loved ones back home...The need to survive or the hope of a better future brings them so far...I know for a fact that when one Indian goes abroad to work would mean that a few of their family members will have a better life...but is this worth all the sacrifice these people are making.. I wonder...

philosophy of life...

"Nothing makes you learn something as fast as when you are required to teach someone"

this week i was required to teach a subject that i had no idea at all...first when i thought about teaching this i was a little worried...then i decided to have crash course of the subject of course with the help of book and the net...and somehow i donno why everything seems to fall in their place...and i manage to teach half of what i intended to. tomorrow i have one more session. hopefully it will be ok...

whatz his name...

last friday, i was in the bank, when someone called my name...i looked at him, it took me a while to guess who this guy was...he is a friend from my undergraduate years...so we spent some time talking and exchanging phone numbers, joking etc...both of us burst out laughing thinking of some of the things that we did in campus...and while all this are happening there was only one thing going on in my mind...what is this guy's name...i know who he is etc, what course he was doing etc but still can figure out what is his name...and i was too embarrased to ask his name...till the end i key in his number in my phone but have to put his name down...i called my roomate during those years to ask her whats his name but she didnt answer her phone...what shall i do now???

finally ...

from midnite all my friends have been calling me to wish me happy birthday...it is a nice feeling that so many people remembered...so sweet of them to do that...well, now...i m exactly 31 one years old...some people really believe that the time we were born determines our lives...i donno about that...but whatever it is i hope it is good...

31 on 31

today as was going to the bank, a sales person tried to sell me something, so i smiled and told him i m a student...that is one of the easiest excuse i have to deal with sales person. he was rather friendly and asked me how come i not having semester break at this time...i said i still have classes and going back to campus...then he just said enjoy the books, i have been there done that...the first thought that came to mind was hello, u have been done that???? i have been there more and done definately more and more on that... :) sounds very arrogant right...well he looked rather young, so i guessed that he must be a fresh graduate...unlike me...tomorrow i will be 31 and i m still in school...so tired of people asking me what are you doing in school at this age...well, god only knows what i am doing here...lets just hope this year will be a wonderful wonderful year for me...

missing a friend...

today i saw someone, at first glance he really looked like my friend, his clothes, the way he was walking and his glasses made me think that is my friend...the only problem is that i know my friend is in glasgow, so i took a second look. well, that was not my friend...a stranger. seeing this guy made me think about how me and my friend, V became close during our undergraduate years...

well, i got to know V when we were both involved in a project. he is a very friendly person and always surrounded by friends but i am a person who do not say much to people i do not know very well. i only talk a lot among my close friends, other than that i may seem like a very quiet person. so in the begining of this project, of course we never talked much...he later told me that he thought i was a stone when he first met me...and as we were working on the project he realized that i m not so 'stone' after all and that i do talk etc...but by the end of the project, he has become a very good friend of mine...together with another four member of the project team became close and inseparable...

i donno if the other five people still remember the fun we used to have during those years,may be some day i will write about the six of us...but for today i will leave it at this....but i do miss those years and my friends...

taking a break from the world...

last weekend was my friend's wedding...he called me many many times...trust me no one has ever invited me to their wedding like he did. first he emailed me then he called, then he sent his invitation card and finally he sent me sms a few days before the wedding inviting...in a way, i was very touched with the way he called me so many times...anyway since he is a good friend, i really really wanted to go to his wedding but somehow something stopped me...the truth is i am afraid to face the world at the moment, mainly my friends from university...most of them are very successful and happily married with children, in comparison to me, who is struggling to finish my phd...the truth is i dont feel good about myself at this moment, and when i see everyone else being happy and moving on with life i will feel sad...i know this sounds very very stupid and silly but i just cant help it, the feeling is still there...so when another friend of mine asked me, how come i didnt attend the wedding, i told him well, "i am taking a break from the world"...it sounded funny at the time and both of us laughed, so i told him, this will be my next entry in my blog..i wonder if he will read or remember???

"Princess"-like

I have been thinking writting this for about a week i think...finally today i get to write this...the other day, all Pterocarpus indicus (that is the Latin name for Pokok Sena, i donno what this tree is called in English) were in full bloom in my campus, the whole tree full of tiny, tiny yellow flowers, looking so wonderful. I am never good at describing things but the view was breathtaking. As I parked my car to get down and admire these trees, it started drizzling a little with a cool breeze. As the wind was blowing, some of the tiny flowers started falling on me....it was such a wonderful experience and such a 'princess' like moment...

research ...'beholder'

people usually ask me is phd difficult??? my only answer them is... NO it is not difficult...but...it requires a lot of persistence. of course you have to work hard, but then again everything in life requires you to work hard (set aside all those thousands of people who are born with silver spoons)...

when you are doing research, there are days which you have no idea what you are doing or why you are doing it...but the bottom line is that you have to do it...this might really sound crazy to people but that is how research is...learning from you mistakes more than you learning from reading all the thousands of articles you have collected thinking that they are so relevant to ur research but only to realize that those article only has like less than ten lines of what you want...of course this is only my picture about this whole process...as most things in the world are...this also depends on the 'beholder'...

mentor

today i received a mail from my mentor.people say that we sometimes dont realise how important or good someone is when they are near us...in my case this is partially true...not that i never realise how good or kind he is, but not to the extent i feel now. he is one of the most wonderful person i have met and he has been very very supportive in my work. he is one person i really really respect and admire for being the wonderful person he is. God, thank you for allowing me to meet such a person...

sending off...

last night i went to sent off a friend at the airport, it was a festival atmosphere at the airport, there were so many people there to see him off to his home land...it felt very nice that so many people was there to share his sucess, since he is going back home after completing his masters. even though i have heard about Zambia but i have never took the trouble to learn more about the country...i donno y, but only today i surfed the net looking for information on the counry...my friend told me that, some day i should visit his country...ya i guess i will may be when i travel to Africa...i think it is one of the most fascinating part in the world...

friend

yesterday, my friend called me and scolded and said, "why you always complain, complain and complain"...so today i m going to write about something good...i know i complain a lot...but no matter how much i complain there are two things i m always, always grateful about in my life...my family and my friend...and today i want to write about my friends,,,

along the short path of my life, i have a there are many, many people who have helped me go through my tough days and hear my laughter...sometimes i wonder how difficult life would have been if i have not met all these wonderful people in my life...Thank you God for introducing me to all these people...

my theory of relativity...

the only thing i no about einsteins theory of relativity is e=m.c.c but what i m writting today has got nothing to do with einstein. i m a person who goes crazy about bmws. and i can spot a bmw like a mile away, however, the other day as i was having dinner with my friend, we saw this huge, wonderful, black bmw. it really looked so good...was a 7 series, i was really admiring the car and as i was doing that another bmw passed by us, somehow it looked so small and not so wonderful, the fact is it was a 3 series bmw...so i told my friend, princess... in life everything is so relative, when u see something as good as a seven series bmw, three series looks very small and unattractive. the same way, when we think our lives are bad, think about millions of people out there how are having worst times...and when we think we are at the top of the world, just think about millions of people who are doing better, that will really teach us to be normal and accept our little presence on this planet...

queer eye...

last night i was watching "queer eye for the straight guy" and there was a wonderful line said in that programme..." you are fine the way your are". somehow i really like this line coz all my life i have been tired of listening to everyone suggestion (mostly people who do not play any important role of my life) on how i should be or how i should look like or how boring or old fashioned and giving me tonnes and tonnes of "free advice" about how i can look or be better....sometimes i wonder if they had used some of their own " free advice" on themselves...he he he...but somehow i just remained the way i wanted, plus i m just plain stubborn to follow words of people not important in my life... i really do sound so mean, dont i? anyway i really really truly agree that...

"I AM FINE THE WAY I M" and to all those who disagree with me...too badlah...coz what you think does not carry much weight in my life...

anyway, in "queer eye for the straight guy" i really like the way carson's ideas on fashion....

more on laughter, marriage and change...

well, this would sound like an 'obnoxious', self praising text...but then it has made me very happy since yesterday...so i have to write this down to justify my blog name which says that i only few regrets in life... :)...anyway this is how the story goes, yesterday a good friend of mine called me to invite me to his wedding...so after the normal how are you and so on, we were talking how much fun we had during our undergraduate years and all the social programs that we have organized and conducted...so many many things made us laugh our hearts out...as i was laughing my friend just said... u still laugh the same...so i told him that it is trademark laugh, cannot be changed... and he went on saying that "u still have that wonderful laughter, please dont change, always be like this..." call me silly but that somehow made my day...or may be two days...he he he...

people never fail to amaze me...

i spent most of my time in the computer lab for graduate students and of course there are many other students who come to the lab to do their work. some whom i talk to or say hi other i dont...there is this girl who comes to my lab, i got nothing against her but we just dont acknowledge each other but i have seen her many many times in the lab...sometimes she comes in with her boyfriend...i was all ok with this, it never bothered me that we dont talk to each other...the other day i went to the cinema to watch a movie...whiile waiting for the movie, i was went to the nearby food court. i saw her and her boyfriend in the food court having dinner. i was there with a friend, as we were walking in the food court, i saw her and as usual i didnt say hi or anything...to my amazement, she actually smiled and waved at me and she also told her boyfriend that i was there (i could not hear her saying but the guy turned and looked at us) and I am quite sure she was not waving to anyone behind us coz i checked the food court was almost closing so there was not many people there...the funny thing is, her act of acknowledging me actually made me wonder...y today, y not all the other days when i see her in the lab (which can be like more than a year), y all these months it didnt seem important to say hi or talk to me but today... i sincerely dont if she does not say hi to me...the only thing that crosses my mind is that would she have waved if i was walking alone in the food court...i wonder...

kannadhasan...human...

since i was a teenager, i have great fascination for kannadhasan. i knew him as a tamil song lyricts...of course he has writtens books, novels, poem etc but i first fell in love with his songs...there is something about his songs and the way he uses words that capture my heart and still does...everytime i listen to him. even though nowadays i have read some of his books and poem, somehow i still feel that his best works are still his songs...not only that his ability to write beautiful, powerful songs, yet in simple tamil has made him so popular for more than forty years, even after he has left...his songs have been heard in the remotest village in india and around the world..appreciated by anyone who understands tamil...regardless of whether they are literate or not...

But one thing is always in my mind....who is this guy...

he sees patterns, could he be a mathematician,

he sees beauty, could he be an artist,

he describes social issues, could he be a sociologist,

he understands human behavior, could he be a psychologist,

he explains the meaning of life, could he be a philosopher,

the list of things i have thought about this person is endless...i think he has written about every aspect of human life...but then when i read about his life and all mistakes that he has done in his life...i realize he is just a human...just like u and me...

marriage, laughter and change...

i chatted with an old friend today after such a long time. he told me that i still laugh as much as i used to five years ago. according to him, i laugh a bit too much and he has always, always told me not to laugh 'so much'. so today when he said that, i just said

Just me: some things dont change

he as usual disagreed with me and said

Moronic friend: that will change too

Just me: lets see when that happen

after that he comes up with this WONDERFUL statement

Moronic friend: U will change after you get married...

I know people do change after they get married...but why do people always tell me that everything will change after i get married. I have met many many people who have told me things like this...I am so tired of people telling me such things...especially when it is somethings that I hold as very very dear to me...I always felt that my ability to laugh at things and be happy and laugh as much as i do is one of my best qualities and many times helped me go through my life...the world is a funny place...

spurs...another dream...

i started watching english league soccer in 1991, at that time, not many league matches are shown live on malaysian tv. the only thing we get is the weekly highlight and updates of english league soccer...but they did show some of the fa cup matches...road to wembley...i can even remember the music at this moment...i donno how i somehow got hooked up to football...at the time nobody in my home were a great football fan...my favourite player at the time...is of course gary lineker...even though i still felt that barnes, robson and gazza were wonderful players...i also felt the england squad in that era were actually very good. my favourite team??? what else if not SPURS...and to my delight...they won the fa cup that particular year...that was really nice...then in 1992 i went away to do my first degree and starting that year i didnt have much access to television so it was difficult to keep up with whats happening in the world of english football...of course some of the major changes happened after that...the introduction of english premier league, the invincible era of manchester united and so on...spurs didnt have much success after the fa cup victory in 1991. every year i hope they do better but somehow my wishes never came true...i only started following epl again since 2002...and from 2002 until the last season, spurs didnt have much success in the league, but somehow this year it is possible that spurs might finish in seventh place and might even qualify for uefa cup...will that happen this year...we still have a few weeks to go...anyway, i still have one more dream related to spurs...always wanted to get a spurs jersey with my name on it...that would be cool...wonder when i will do that...

waiting and surviving..

yesterday, after reading my post on waiting...my friend called me to tell me something important..."dumbo, terminal is not only about waiting but also about surviving...and making the best out of whatever situation you are in"...ya i guess that is what the movie is about and that is what life is about...sometimes i wonder if i can do like that...can i really make the best out of whatever situation i am in...or do i just make it worst by complaing and complaing and complaining (i no how much my friends suffer listening to my sad stories)...well i donno but may be i will try this out again...

well, talking about movies, another movie that i consider one of the best movie of all time (even though i do not have the authority to say that) is life is beautiful...such a beautiful movie...

what a waiting

what a waiting, what a waiting...little birds tell my darling...love is nothing but a game of waiting...lyrics of a 70s tamil song...but today i realise not only love but many many things in life are a game of waiting...i remember watching 'terminal'...the whole concept behind the movie is the idea of waiting...especially when u want something so badly...it is ok to wait....

rainbows

yesterday as i was sitting in my car, waiting for my brother i was just looking at the sky...the weather was not very hot, rather cloudy actually...i donno why but as i was looking at the sky i wished i would see a rainbow...but then i didnt...i donno what is it about me and rainbows...something about rainbows makes me very happy...give me hope when i feel really down and at times are then songs, rainbow has the 'power' to brighten up my whole life...what is it about rainbows??? the colours, the unpredictablity or the myth about the gold at the end of the rainbow...the most meaningful rainbow i saw was when i was driving around in my hometown with my friend, the most beautiful rainbow i saw was along the highway as i was going back home...it was a semi circle and the last time i saw a rainbow was a few months ago, with the sea as the background...i was standing at my balcony...such a wonderful sight...will i see one today...i really wish i do...

mathematics

today as i was showing a friend about analysing data and so on...i somehow realise how much i missed being a student of mathematics...those days were really fun... i donno y but in the univesity where i did my first degree people usually thought maths majors are brainy or nerds...and people are always amazed about someone majoring in mathematics...the truth is there is nothing so great or 'brainy' it...it is a wonderful field just like any other fields of this study...has some very interesting courses and some very very boring ones...and of course to make things worse some very boring lecturer...but other than that is it quite fun...many many people think that mathematics is just about arithmetics...plus, minus, multiply...but the truth is there is more to that...we used to have fun learning logic using sherlock holmes mysteries...and sometimes even alice in wonderland...i was really really amazed when we learned about the beauty of mathematics and to see mathematical concept used in daily lives...like 'kolam' and the concept of symetry...the concept of golden ratio and how much it is found in this world...there is one more that i really liked...when we studying the history of mathematics...all of us did a play or puppet show about famous mathematician etc...that was really fun...now i am in a different field but somehow my love for mathematics is still there...may be some day i might go back to that...next semester i will be teaching statistics to undergraduate students...i wonder where that will take me...anyway one of our silliest quote being the class of 97 was: " love does not know mathematics..."

me and my thesis...

these days whenever people see me the only thing everyone has to ask me is about my work...how is your thesis, how is your progress, when will you finish, how did you measure variables, how did u analyse ur data, how big ur sample etc...and i notice that after they have asked all this, they run out of question to ask me...and as for me after answering these routine questions i havent got a clue what i want to know about this person who is asking me all this...so i just keep quiet...sometimes i wonder if i am just my work or just my thesis...isnt there anything more about me than my work...am i not a person who have more to offer, more to share or talk about then my work...i recall this one incident...i once followed a friend to a gathering of a group, followers of a particular guru or saint...my friend is an active member of this organisation, so as soon as she reached the place she was talking to everyone...i am never good at mingling around and getting to know people, so i was standing alone,enjoying my drink and very happy with my thoughts and smiling away...many people there walked pass me as though i was invisible...but somehow all this did not bother me...then after like half an hour my friend brought two other members of this organisation and introduced me to them...and she mentioned that i am doing my phd and etc...and the funny thing is after that, people started coming to me and introducing themselves, telling me about their family and their children and started 'interviewing' about how i came so far or how good was i at school (to compare with their children of course). after that introduction to the two people more than 10 people came and introduced themselves to me and saying that "i heard you are doing ur phd"...hello...world...i m the same person standing at the same spot before and after they knew i am doing my phd. sometimes i really dont understand the world...i mean whats the big deal about doing phd...whether i m doing phd or not i m still a person who needs to be respected and appreciated just the same...somehow the fact that i was 'invisible' before did not bother me as much as when people wanted to know me coz i am doing phd...how old (most of them were more than 15 years older than me) do u need to be before you realise that people are people, people are not their phd or masters or whatever...there is more to a person than the title or the degree he/she carries...and i wonder why people dont see that...i really wonder...

green green grass

someone told me today that he wished that he was me..coz i have so much free time and have all the fun being lazy...not having any particular schedule for the day...watching champions league and getting up late...i told him that is the luxury in my life...everyone one needs some form of luxury...some of them have all the money in the world...some of them like me have all the time in the world...of course the perfect combination would be to have all the time in the world plus all the money in the world...but hey...who's life is perfect...to some extent i know that there are many many people who want to be me ;) at least that is what they tell me...but then again once they are in my shoes...they will start wondering...why am i here...what is so fun about this...and that is the 'law' of life...the grass in always always greener on the other side....

airport...

this morning i went to the airport to pick up my friend's parents... sometimes i like to go to airport...there is something different about how people are in airports...somehow people seem to be more appreciated at airports...may be this is just from my lens of the world...somehow may be the thought that people are leaving and that for some you might not see them again...makes people act differently...somehow i just wish that life, relationship, friendship etc are just as meaningful in everyday life as i see in the airport...

leaving behind...

they say that one should always live in the present...forget the future because it is an illusion and forget the past because it is history...but somehow I know i fail miserably in this...this weekend somehow I was very disturbed about how people treated me...friends who I once considered very important in my life...i cannot understand how people can change so fast and how much people forget about their past...but then again may be it is not them...may be is it just me who holds on to the past too much and does not want to move on...sometimes i forget that as i go on with life there are many many more wonderful people that i meet along the way...even though friends that i once thought very important do not consider me that important...or even my friends today might forget about me tomorrow but i guess i will always meet many many more nice people along the way...i sure hope i do...anyway, i have decided to leave behind all these thoughts and hopefully i can...

puzzle of fonts..

yesterday i was trying to write blog in tamil somehow after some major trial and error (like all good lessons in life)managed to type something in tamil and posted it...much to my felt really good about myself after achieving that....i know know that the rest of the world has gone far and exploring the universe and here i m feeling so happy coz i could post something in tamil...he he he...well little things make me happy... anyway, today when i opened i only saw some garbage...cant read what i wrote...i really wonder what i did differently today...donnolah...i thought only printers have a mind of their own...but today i realise even fonts....anyway...i shall conquer this too..he he he...and of course by trial and errorlah...

tears falling...

they say tears are precious, dont let it fall of uncessary things...well i used to believe so much on that but these days i just cant help it. everytime i look at the report i just cant stop myself from crying. i dont remembering anyother experience that is as shattering as this in my life...and i hate it so much coz i dont know how to get out of this...i dont think i have ever wished for anything as hard as this...god please let it be over soon...before i loose myself and i will never be found ever again...

puzzle of life...

people often ask me what is it about jigsaw puzzles...why do i like doing jigsaw puzzle so much...many cant understand how can i sit and spend hours looking at this one picture for hours and hours...some say i am very patient but then when i think again i dont really think i m patient...so what about this jigsaw puzzle??? well, i taught me about life...sometimes u have to forget the details and look at the whole picture and other times u just have to forget the whole picture and look at the most minute details...at times i look so hard at one little piece without thinking where it fits in the big picture and until the time i stop doing that i can never figure out where to place that particular piece....and at times i keep staring at the big picture and i forget all the minute details there are in each section of the picture and i will not be able to identify the piece with all those details...well, life's like that too...at times u need to look at details...at times...u need to look at the big picture...but the tricky question is how do i know when to this or that...may life will give me an answer to that...

almost wishing

they say that sometimes one decision can change the course of ur life...i have never really believed in that but somehow this few years has really made me realise how true that really is...i made a decision to pursue something five years ago...and every since then the only thing i wish every new year (including all the new year that i celebrate...from 1st of january to 14 of april etc.) is to finish that but somehow until today it is still unfinished...sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me...y is this so difficult...sometimes i almost wish tht life has a rewinder button just like video player or something...

when i look back at this five years...i cant believe how much this decision has changed my life and me in person...i have transformed from a very cheerful person with lots and lots of friends to a lone ranger who have very selective friends...i used to be so hopeful and full of dreams with the spirit enough to conquer the world...now no matter what i think, i always think the negative aspect of it...wht is wrong with me...wht has happen to me...sometimes i wish i was my old self back...but then again i donno if i can ever be that person again...

when i first decided to pursue this, i thought this is what i wanted...this is going to make my life better etc...but now i wonder is this all worth it...is it worth spending so many years of my life in pursue of something after i have sacrificed so much of my life in the process of doing it...well i seriously have no answer...today is another new year again...as usual i have still wishing and hoping that this will over in this year...but then again only time can tell...